We will probably be
posting this on our fridge for the dogs...
---
Dear Pico, Lefty, and especially Boduke,
- The
metal dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are Mary's, Meagan's, and mine and contain our food.
Please note, relocating a plate of food to the floor does not stake a
claim on it
to become your food and dish, nor do we find that aesthetically
pleasing
in the slightest. Ceramic tile is also no friend to our dishes.
- The hallway was not
designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating us from one end to
the other is not the object. Tripping us doesn't help
because we
fall faster than you can dodge a tumbling human body.
- We cannot buy anything
bigger
than a king-sized bed. We are very sorry about this. Do not think we
will sleep on a patch of bed the size of a butter dish with no covers
to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a
ball
when they sleep. We have seen you do it. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. We also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
- For the last time, there is not a secret exit from
the
bathroom. If, by some miracle, one of us should beat you there and manage to get the door shut,
it
is not necessary to claw, whine, bite the knob, or get
your
paw under the edge. We must exit
through
the same door we entered. Also, we have been using the bathroom for
years. Canine attendance is not required.
- Speaking of bathrooms: ours is indoors and yours is outdoors. We are not sure why you keep getting this backwards.
- The proper order is kiss us, then go smell the other
dog's butts. We cannot stress this enough!
- Me rapping my knuckes on
the table or a doorbell on the TV is not the equivalent of a stranger
on our porch. Please refrain from waking Meagan or giving us coronaries
to frighten away an invisible intruder.
- To pacify you, dear pets, we have considered posting the
following
message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to
Complain About
Our Dogs:
- They live here. You don't.
- If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
- We like our dogs a lot
better than we like most people.
- A nose in the crotch and a lick on the hand or face is a kiss. Please return the affection in an appropriate manner.
- To you, it's an animal. To us, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
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