Dear Pico, Lefty, and especially Boduke,

• The metal dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are Mary's, Meagan's, and mine and contain our food. Please note, relocating a plate of food to the floor does not stake a claim on it to become your food and dish, nor do we find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. Ceramic tile is also no friend to our dishes.
• The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating us from one end to the other is not the object. Tripping us doesn't help because we fall faster than you can dodge a tumbling human body.
• We cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. We are very sorry about this. Do not think we will sleep on a patch of bed the size of a butter dish with no covers to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. We have seen you do it. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. We also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
• For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, one of us should beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge. We must exit through the same door we entered. Also, we have been using the bathroom for years. Canine attendance is not required.
• Speaking of bathrooms: ours is indoors and yours is outdoors.  We are not sure why you keep getting this backwards.
  
• The proper order is kiss us, then go smell the other dog's butts. We cannot stress this enough!
• Me rapping my knuckes on the table or a doorbell on the TV is not the equivalent of a stranger on our porch. Please refrain from waking Meagan or giving us coronaries to frighten away an invisible intruder.
  
• To pacify you, dear pets, we have considered posting the following message on our front door: